Memo from the Empty Suit re: Wearing Superhero-themed Socks with Work Attire….

Good Morning and Happy Monday, All.

This email is to remind you that here at Rio Frio Medical Center we pride ourselves on the professionalism and high-end care we provide to our consumers. They are, and always will be, our number one priority. In fact, it is our mission to provide holistic, integrated, coordinated, evidence-based services to the people of Rio Frio County and its surrounding areas. As long as they have medicaid. Remember that, too, because some of you think we take regular insurance here, and we don’t. Only medicaid. If they don’t have medicaid, they are not a consumer and can go get care somewhere else.

With all that said, part of providing professional and skillful care to our consumers is by presenting ourselves in a professional manner. Part of being a professional is looking the part. Hence RFMC policies such as no visible tattoos, no visible piercings other than on the ear, no jeans, and no hiring of anybody too good looking because that would just be distracting. The exact policy is Addendum 7.23 in the Policies and Procedures Manual and can be found–just as a reminder–prior to Statute 6.69 where we discuss why anal sex is not allowed by any RFMC employee who is not on the executive team. All such policies were encouraged to be implemented by Haskell and Associates, the consultation firm, you might remember, we paid $120,000 last June to come and tell us how to make more money.

Of course, there are gaps in such policies, as it is difficult for even a literal empty suit like me to foresee all the unprofessional behaviors staff will try to get away with. And, as such, please be advised that the policy has been updated to include superhero-themed socks as prohibited work attire. Subsection 2.46 specifies that all of the following non-superhero-themed pop-culture intellectual properties are included in the prohibition:

Start Wars

Harry Potter

Lord of the Rings

Looney Tunes (Please note that sub-subsection 1.23 includes Merrie Melodies under this definition.)

The Simpsons

Family Guy

Breaking Bad

Japanese or any non-American animation of any kind

Bernie Sanders

Disney princesses and Game of Thrones themed apparel will be allowed on Fridays, as part of casual Fridays, because myself and the rest of administration all enjoys these properties.

Staff who fail to comply with such policies will be placed on a Professional Improvement Plan and if they continue to neglect adherence, will be staffed for termination.

Please remember that we on the executive team respect and appreciate all that you do. You, the staff, are the engine of this company. We are a team, a tribe, a family and I would like you to keep in mind your role as a family member whenever you’re asked to work more than 40 hours a week without pay.

Thank you and Merry Christmas.

–The Empty Suit, MS, MBA, PH.D.

CEO, Rio Frio Medical Center.

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