MARIO SUAZO, OR: THE TECHNOLOGY DOESN’T LIE

Depending on where you are exactly and whom you ask, you will indubitably get a completely different and seemingly random response to your inquiry regarding the origins of the creature known as Mario Suazo.

Some people seem to believe that Mario Suazo is indeed an organic entity, but that he is also an utter genetic anomaly. These people believe wholeheartedly that Mario Suazo has been around since at least the Dark Ages and are open to the “possibility” that he’s been around much longer, perhaps since the beginning of human life on the planet. They sight as evidence Mario Suazo’s animalistic inclination towards blunt carnage and destruction. They sight as evidence his seeming inability to enunciate his words without sounding as if his jaw has just been stuffed overflowing with gravel. These people sight as evidence his seeming invincibility despite an ostensibly human appearance.

“He’s obviously human,” they will tell you. “He’s got flesh and bone and I’ve even heard of him bleeding on occasion. No doubt he’s a primitive man… of some sort.”

Others, conversely, are not so easily swayed. Human appearance and stature aside, these people believe Mario Suazo has been present somewhere in the Universe since the beginning of Time. They believe him to be a demon or ghoul of some kind. They don’t buy into any theories that Mario Suazo is mortal, by any means. Cut off his head, these people say, and he’ll simply pick it up and stick it back on and continue on with his day.

“I’ve never seen a human being stop a car speeding in his direction by punching it,” these people will say. Then they will add, rhetorically: “And besides, what is the viability, what are the odds, statistically speaking, of this ‘genetic flaw’ occurring at any point in history?”

 And yet others believe he is a certifiable monster. The genuine article. These ones believe that he was homegrown in some madman’s basement. They reckon that Mario Suazo’s person is a twisted amalgam of several different serial killers, petty thugs and animal species. His brain is obviously the result of some kind of splicing, they say. They reason that at his core Mario Suazo is half mass rapist and half wolverine, and they point to as evidence little more than the highly unlikely aforementioned scenarios proposed by the other theorists. Obviously he is not a genetic anomaly. Obviously he’s not a demon. It would be ludicrous to assume that those sorts of things exist in this boring ol’ world.

“But science,” they will say, “science is possible. Technology is possible. In fact, the technology doesn’t lie. It has proven itself capable of many glorious and horrifying things. Mario Suazo is only one more step in the evolution of scientific practice, one more step on the ladder of technology.”

But NOBODY believes Mario Suazo was simply and reasonably born into this world like everyone else. Nobody believes he is made exactly of the same stuff as you and me. Nobody believes he is simply aman. There is simply too much evidence that suggests otherwise. Nobody really knows where he comes from or who his parents are (although several people claim to have seen him pick up a car and throw it at his mother for her refusing to pay his rent), and nobody knows what has caused him to become what he is… so their only recourse is to make this shit up.

For nearly two decades he has been the stuff of cautionary tales around town. When I was in middle school and high school, parents would actually use the threat of Mario Suazo being out and about as a ruse to keep their children in line. (i.e. “If you don’t get to bed this instant, Mario Suazo’s going to come through that window and dismember you, limb by painful limb.”) This strategy was so effective that an inordinate number of high schoolers made it home by curfew for fear of any strange and terrible Mario Suazo encounters. Teenage pregnancy in the town dropped dramatically for several years during some of Mario Suazo’s more prolific years. Obviously, I haven’t been around long enough or often enough the past decade to know this is still the case, but I imagine it’s sort of difficult to pass yourself off as a ghoul as you’re teaching taekwondo classes on Monday and Wednesday nights at the local elementary school.

Manny Furious never pictured him as nothing more than a caveman who somehow ended up in our time. He never pictured him ambling in and out of polluted caves just outside of Rio Frio somewhere, dressed in little more than a saber-toothed tiger-skinned loincloth and wielding a massive wooden club. He never pictured him rubbing sticks together on top of a pile of petroleum to start fires to cook his freshly slaughtered meal of swamp rats and kittens. He never pictured him as the star attraction in a metropolitan zoo somewhere where the handlers have doped him up and made him so docile that bratty, over-privileged, W.A.S.P.y little kids can pet his head and feed him out of their palms.

He didn’t picture him as any of those things, because he believed there was nothing primitive about him. He is purely and solely the product of Civilization. Only technology and the irresponsible use thereof could manifest something as violent and thoughtless as Mario Suazo. Only in Civilization could be produced slavery, war, genocide, poverty, famine, the plague, firearms, the atomic bomb. And only in Civilization could something like Mario Suazo be brought into existence.

Mario Suazo was so devastating a person that the cops and “authorities” were even frightened of him. Rio Frio’s Sheriff had outright refused to confront Mario Suazo ever since he turned 11, because, as The Sheriff put it in an official town hall meeting: “That fucking kid will rip my head from my shoulders and use it as a goddamned bowling ball!”

On the rare occasion when law enforcement officials do confront him, Mario Suazo usually ascertains possession of their tazers and puts them to use against the police officers, themselves… usually in their groin areas or eyeballs.

Nevertheless, it takes a particular combination of circumstances—life-rhythm, lifestyle, friendships, dumb fucking luck, dumb fucking fantasies involving his girlfriend, etc—for someone to actually encounter Mario Suazo. My understanding is that most people have actually never come face to face with the beast outside of his taekwondo class or prison/jail. Most people have simply heard stories about Mario Suazo from second and third-hand sources or from reading about his exploits in the “Crime and Police Reports” section the local newspaper.

Nevertheless, it takes a particular combination of circumstances—life-rhythm, lifestyle, friendships, dumb fucking luck, dumb fucking fantasies involving his girlfriend, etc—for someone to actually encounter Mario Suazo. My understanding is that most people have actually never come face to face with the beast outside of his taekwondo class or prison/jail. Most people have simply heard stories about Mario Suazo from second and third-hand sources or from reading about his exploits in the “Crime and Police Reports” section the local newspaper.

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