Robber Che, Part 2

El Crow related the legend of Robber Chè to Manny Furious. Robber Chè was the world’s lone honest thief. Literally. She was also Rio Frio’s most infamous resident. Her name was littered all over the internet due to her exploits.

She also wore a green and black luchador mask that she never seemed to remove.

What makes her honest is that she doesn’t deny any of it…ever. If she steals from you and you know it was she, Robber Chè, who stole from you (you’d know it because everybody knows it’s Robber Chè who steals shit) and you confronted her on it, she’d admit to you it was her and then offer to sell you back your shit for a fraction of what you originally bought it for and somehow convince you she was doing you a favor. All of it, from her admission to the crime to her convincing you that buying back your shit is a steal, all of it is done by him in a soft, conversational tone of voice and a body language that suggests she is merely relating to you the events of a trip to Wal-Mart the night before. Even the cops are futile against her mind voodoo. Because everyone knows she’s the gal who steals shit, every time something disappears they, the cops, make their way to Robber Chè’s apartment, arrest her and promptly interrogate her. During the interrogation Robber Chè will simply state that all the evidence, “is circumstantial. It’s strictly circumstantial, dude.” And, because she’s honest, she’s not lying. She never denies committing the crime, she just points out that there’s no real evidence against her.

You see, Robber Chè’s too good at what she does and is careful to leave no evidence and to always have at the very least an alibi that is plausible just enough to raise reasonable doubt amongst any police officer (a favorite of said alibis for Robber Chè is, on the night of the crime, going to the movie theater, buying a movie ticket during the time she will admit to committing the crime, leaving the theater to commit the crime, and making it back to the theater in time to watch the end of the movie and to leave the theater in a raucous tizzy about “the lame-ass, lazy, clichéd motherfucking ending” in front of all the concession workers and box office attendants, so that said concessionists and box office attendants are forced to physically remove her from the premises. Then she will illegally download the same film from the internet and watch the entire movie, taking notes of all the major plot points and all, so that when a cop questions her about the recent thieving of a two story ranch-style located on 4th and Washington at around 8:35 in the P.M. while the house’s residents were out for a late dinner, Robber Chè will point out that she still has the movie ticket and the ticket will show that he was at the movie theater at the time of the crime, watching a movie and that if the ticket isn’t enough, the concession workers and B.O. people will vouch for her since they all had to get together and expel her from the premises and if that still wasn’t enough, she could recount major plot point by major plot point all the intricacies of the movie itself. So, Robber Chè will conclude that either she is lying about watching the movie or she is lying about thieving and that it must be up to the officer to decide… when in reality, she lied about nothing, because she never actually denied thieving, she simply pointed out that the evidence didn’t quite add up).

It is a combination of Robber Chè’s aforementioned mind voodoo and the ever-revolving door of incompetent Peace Officers into and out of the Rio Frio Sheriff’s Office that allows Robber Chè to continually make a mockery of Rio Frio’s legal system (There is one cop, however, who is a constant and whose sole purpose as of late has been to catch Robber Chè “once and for all” and “put an end to her reign of terror” and that officer is, of course, the county sheriff, but that’s neither here nor there).

She’s stolen something from just about every resident of Rio Frio County. One time, El Crow was unlucky enough to walk into his house with Manny Furious after a rather spirited session of Taekwondo only to find, with the sole exception of a single steel folding chair and a George Foreman grill, the house was empty. Utterly so. All of El Crow’s other possessions were gone, including, they would soon find out, all light and bathroom fixtures and all of El Crow’s video games in the shed behind the house.  Even some of the molding around the home had been removed.

In the middle of the living room, next to the chair and “George,”  where the dingy couch used to be, was a folded piece of paper with the words, “For El Crow” written on it in chaotic handwriting.

He opened and read the note, and all it said was:

What the ordinary world calls a wise man is in fact someone who piles things up for the benefit of a great thief.”

“It’s Chuang-Tzu,” Furious said.

“No, it’s Robber Chè,” El Crow replied.

“No, it’s a quote, from Chuang-Tzu.”

“It’s nonsense. No one’s ever mistaken me for a wise man.”

On the back side of the note, Robber Chè had left a second message that said, “I left the George Foreman grill because not even I’d take that away from an obese fatass.”

Lone Wolf and Pedolo showed up early the following morning. Both of their abodes had been compromised as well. All of Pedolo’s porn and makeup and sex toys were gone. Lone Wolf said that the only stuff left in his apartment were all the belongings of the seven Lone Wolf Jrs. By noon, Thinktoomuch had staggered in smelling like a long night of pensiveness and was still in tears because someone had stolen his car overnight.

“My baby,” he said, distraught.

“Have you been to your apartment?” asked Pedolo.

Thinktoomuch shook his head numbly.

“Then I hate to break it to you,” aid El Crow. “But I can almost guarantee your PS4 and 60-inch plasma TV are gone.”

Thinktoomuch let out a pitiable shriek–like a diving hawk– and fell to his knees. El Crow hugged Thinktoomuch and attempted to console him. It was the first time I had ever seen either one show any concern or sympathy for the other. The brazen disdain of Robber Chè’s crimes were enough to bring even the most contemptible of enemies together in grief.

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