Beyond her masterful thieving, Robber Chè was also well-known in and around the greater Rio Frio area for her weekly proselytizing in Franklin Park.
See, sometime in her youth, if she ever even had one, she had learned that some of the ancient Greek philosophers would simply philosophize in parks or promenades or other public places. Later in life, this knowledge would leave an overpowering impression on her, and when the time came for her to spread whatever stupid message she thought should be spread, she decided against the more traditional means of, say, writing books, making youtube videos or creating her own religion, and simply strolled over to the nearest park and began talking to no one in particular. The hope on her end, as far as anyone could tell, was that a jogger jogging by or a child coming down the slide or a teenager making his way to the skate park would overhear something she said and start debating with her.
happened, of course. Most kids and adults were afraid of this masked fiend and
well-known master thief who was standing in the middle of the park cursing too
much and talking about the virtues of being “unsuccessful” in life
and the joys of being content with things that were “just alright.”
people who ever hurt other people in mass were people who were just trying to
be more successful. Wall Street, for instance. Look at those fuckers. What if
Hitler or Pol Pot or Idi Amin had been less ambitious?” She would say
things like that. And most people would ignore her and go through extreme
measures to avoid making eye contact with her, even though Robber Chè was
anything but aggressive.
A small minority
found her “interesting” or “provocative” and they would
listen to her proselytize from a safe distance, never actually giving her
declarations much thought because those declarations were, quite simply, scary
for most people. They went against everything the polite society and culture of early 21st
century America held dear.
At one point,
several months after she started her weekly philosophical dalliances in the
park, a reporter from the local newspaper approached her about doing a story.
Robber Chè called him a “dumb fuck” and insisted he wouldn’t
understand her, Robber Chè’s, motivations and would misrepresent her and her
ideas to the rest of the town, but in the end she decided to give the reporter
several minutes of his time, because, in her words, “fuck it, why
At one point in
the interview, because the reporter was a consumer of contemporary alternative
forms of spirituality, often referred to as “New Age” and heavily
influenced by “the Orient,” talk turned to Robber Chè’s views about
that sort of thing.
Robber Chè responded: “You have all these pasty-skinned, skinny, weak little white boys who shave their heads, give themselves some idiotic Asian name, play dress up with some robes and speak in their soft little voices about ‘enlightenment’ and ‘ego’ and’illusions’ and ‘love’ and ‘mindfulness’ and the ‘present moment’ and’consciousness’ and ‘the truth of who you are’ and so on and so forth with no end in sight.
“These motherfuckers all look and sound like child molesters and should give anyone with any sense a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. Instead, people flock to them, throwing their hard-earned, limited money at them for some vague promise of spiritual maturation. But liberation is free for anyone who isn’t a hungry ghost. And it’s already been achieved, only we’re all too stupid to realize it. There’s nothing to sell. So if someone is trying to sell something, they are deceiving you. Only a fuckhole of a fool would pay for something that doesn’t exist. It’s like buying unicorns.
“There is no
illusion, no hypnosis beyond that of language itself. All of this bullshit,
this talk of so-called enlightenment, of mindfulness, of love, the present
fucking moment–it’s all nonsense. It doesn’t mean a lick of anything and
doesn’t help anyone learn to live life without going mad. In fact, it just
creates more pain, more suffering through confusion. All this talk, all this
language is good for only that: confusion. And confusion is the source of all
the scourges of the human mind.
is a joke. It’s a fool’s game. It was created for the simple fact that people
could realize that it was a lie. Realizing enlightenment is a joke is enlightenment. If you want enlightenment,
go smell a flower. Go pray to your God under the cherry blossoms while you
still can. Make love to someone beautiful or ugly, but do it with all your
might. Murder some pussy. Your own or someone else’s–with their permission of
course. Take your kid to the park and smile. Play a game of monopoly. Do a
picnic, or a barbecue. Invite some friends over to watch a football game. Build
a snowman. Jump on a trampoline. Do whatever it is that makes you forget
yourself and makes you laugh–but really laugh, something that makes you laugh with
the entirety of your being, because when you laugh with your whole being, the
universe laughs with you. And stop pretending that there is anything more to
the world than this.
success, it impedes the flow of life. When’s the last time you saw Dick Cheney
smile in a way that didn’t come across as forced and or perverse? When’s the
last time Obama could literally just sit down and relax, take a load off
without thinking of his next move, or of an enemy’s next move? When’s the last
time Ben Bernake was capable of simply enjoying being in the presence of another human
being, without wondering what he could get out of them, without wondering what
that person could offer him? When’s the last time a famous athlete smiled after
a loss, simply because he enjoyed playing a game? When’s the last time a famous
musician had fun at a party without drugs? Why is Sean Penn such a dick?
“We look up
to these kinds of people, because the things we want are precisely the things
that make us miserable. And worst of all are those ‘Christians’ (editor’s note: air quoted) who perpetuate the myth of the
‘abundance gospel.’ Jesus was a poor fellow and was beautiful and righteous
because of it. How one can spin his words in such a way is at once
awe-inspiring and emetic.”
exactly, are you trying to convince people to do?” asked the journalist.
“I don’t want
to convince them of anything. I’m just as dumb and uncouth as the next person.
I just want someone to discuss things with. Bounce ideas off of. Learn
When the article ran in the paper the next day, the headline stated, “Park ‘Prophet’ demands others to murder some p***sy” sub-headline ran, thus: “criticizes the most successful among us.” Among various dubious claims, the story called Robber Chè a foul-mouthed communist, a cynic, a misanthrope who opposed literacy, an “anti-American hate-monger” and took cheap shots at her name (Robber), profession (Robber) and appearance (masked). The story also took thinly veiled shots at Robber Chè’s gender, presumably because the author didn’t realize Robber Che was a woman. They article remarked on “his” “thin, alto, lispy voice” and the “fragile posture” of “his” “deceptively feminine frame.”
Quotes from Robber
Chè were typically paraphrased and included the following:
“Only a fool would pay a fee to pursue spiritual growth.”
spiritual leaders are always weak and deceitful and fond of pederasty… and
wants everyone to be poor and suffer.”
robes is for white people who need tans.”